AMERICAN IDOL SPOOF
by UpcomingScreenPlayWriter
Summary: An all-star cast try to sing their hearts out, but they just can't cut it. In the end Simon gets his!


CELEBRITY AMERICAN IDOL  
  
FADE IN:  
  
Ryan Seacrest comes out from backstage and warms up the crowd with music videos and his normal yakking. He stands up there on stage like he always looking like he a tool and a prettier, more handsome-looking version of the "bitch boy" Carson Daly.)  
  
Soon, it is time to start tonight's show a romping, uproarious good time filled with celebrity appearances and bad singing.  
  
CUT TO: Behind the curtain we see Anna Nicole Smith scratching her butt and hassling and fussing over her tight, tight thong being lodged and crammed up her ass. Her lawyer and her homoerotic dyke friend are seen with her also.  
  
RYAN: And now onto the contestants! Our first contestant has her own show on E! Entertainment Television and was once a former Playboy Playmate. Give it up for Anna Nicole!  
  
(Anna comes from backstage, but trips on the curtain and falls face first. She just laughs and brushes off the fall and goes up to the microphone and waits for her cue to sing.)  
  
(The music plays and she begins singing Whitney Houston's rendition of "I Will Always Love You.")  
  
ANNA: And I-I-I-I-I (does a wet fart) will always um...(giggles in a state of stupidity then goes up to the desk we see Randy, Paula, and Simon at every night and begins humping it. We suddenly see her orgasming and climaxing in Simon's coffee.) So, what did you think?  
  
RANDY: Uh...I don't what kind of crack you've been smoking, but tell you're dealer to hook a brother up.  
  
Paula: You were dreadful. The hair, the over excessiveness of makeup, the J- Lo wannabe clothes from the "Uncontrollably Overweight Section." I thought I was just listening to Babe the talking pig in drag.  
  
(Ryan goes to Simon for his verdict.)  
  
SIMON: Utterly terrible. You sounded like a dolphin and it's funny because here I thought they were intelligent, but now I've been proven wrong and 2. After you and your horny little mutt humped my coffee mug I don't know whether to tazer you, or put a tranquilizer in you just so you won't be running around like some doped up pothead out of a "Cheech & Chong Movie." (Anna sticks her tongue out of them and pulls her Phat Farm sweatpants down and moons the three judges with her gigantic, enormous ass.)  
  
ANNA: Well, my invisible monkey Mr. BananaBreath thought I sounded good and he lives on the moon.  
  
SIMON: Tell me something...Did this monkey run off with your brain because you sure didn't check it at the door? And I got another question for you. Do squirrels love you? Because lady you're nuts!  
  
RYAN: Wow, tough break Anna I guess you'll have to go back to screwing old white guys for cash, oh wait, I guess you did that with our network director last night. Oops!  
  
(Ryan goes back to the show and announces the next performer.)  
  
RYAN: Our next performer spends most of his time on his Skywalker Ranch making movies, playing with action figures, running around his house in a giant Ewok costume, and looking in the dictionary to come up with names for his villains such as the new one in Episode III- GENERAL GREIVOUS! Say hello to Mr. George "Prequel Boy" Lucas!  
  
(George Lucas comes out riding a Tauntaun and Darth Vader, Boba Fett, Boss Nass, and Max Rebo and his bad come on stage with him and begin singing their rendition of the famous "STAR WARS Cantina Song", but as they are singing Boba Fett is suddenly pulled off stage and eaten by the Sarlaac...AGAIN! Boss Nass is sliced in half by the Acklay and Nexu, and Max Rebo is eaten by a Rancor, while his band mates head for the heels.)  
  
GEORGE: Uh...except for my band being eaten by many of my creations. What did you think?  
  
SIMON: Look, I'll level with you "PHANTOM MENACE" was good and "ATTACK OF THE CLONES" was great, but even too much CGI and wooden, poorly given dialogue can't help you now Mr. Lucas. I suggest you and Jar-Jar be put to sleep.  
  
RANDY: I don't know I thought it was good. I mean it had style and class, but you're trying too hard George...  
  
PAULA:  
I thought it was kind of cute.  
  
SIMON: Oh come on...You think everything's cute. You even think your period is cute!  
  
(Paula smacks him across the face.)  
  
SIMON: Wow, you call that a smack. I think last night's sex with you was better than that.  
  
RYAN: Well, I guess you'll have to redeem yourself next year May 25, 2005 with "EPISODE III" and if you don't then I guess all of us Americans, fan boys, sci-fi geeks, and still 40 year-old virgins will give our allegiance and props to Peter Jackson instead. Oh wait! I guess we already are!  
  
(Ryan announces the next guest...THE DOG FROM "FRAISER!")  
  
(The dog comes out with Rowlf the Dog, Benji, Rin-Tin-Tin, Lassie, Beethoven, the Pets.com dog, and a bunch of other dogs to their rendition of "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.")  
  
(After, the song the judges give their views again.)  
  
RANDY: Yeah, dawg that was like tight dawg, but dawgg you're a dog and you're my dawg. I think I would've rather seen Snoop Doggy Dogg dogging it cuz he's a dawg and he's like a dawg, you feel me dog?  
  
(Paula, Ryan, and Simon all look at him confused and suddenly wondering what the hell he just said.)  
  
SIMON: What the (bleep) did you just say? I mean I know you're black and most of your music is full of gibberish and talking about shooting cops, (bleeping) hoes, riding in escalades, and acting like a gangster, but what you just said was more worst than seeing Eminem and all these white wannabe gangstas out there.  
  
PAULA: I'm going to have to agree with Simon on this one Randy. You obviously have forgotten the hood, what is cool and hip to say, and what isn't. I mean if you were truly black you'd realize that nobody says "dawg" as many times as you.  
  
RANDY: I'm just bringing back the word. I'm making it famous again. You know like bringing back bellbottom pants and Starsky and Hutch.  
  
SIMON: You do know that, that word went out along time ago right? Like your weight for instance. I mean where the hell did you put that fat gut of yours anyways? Because I thought one day I saw you in your dressing room with a woman's girdle on.  
  
(Ryan suddenly cuts to a commercial break and as we come back we see Simon and Randy still bickering and arguing, but Ryan brings on their next guest Christopher Walken.)  
  
(Christopher starts singing his interpretation of Elton John's famous classic "Your Song.")  
  
CHRIS: If...I was...a man...but then again no. Our man...makes potions...in a t-tr-traveling show...I know it's not much, but hell it's the best I can do bitch.  
  
SIMON: I'm going to allow it. I like your intensity, your anger, your inner-rage, and hatred. It makes me remind you of me. Except for your "Tortoise and the Hare"-type voice. I mean where did you pick that voice up in God's Department of Sucky Voices? I mean I've seen snails move faster than you.  
  
CHRIS: Hey, do you...want me...to come down...there...and beat the living...shit out of...you?  
  
SIMON: Well, it would be more appealing to me than your horrible acting in "THE RUNDOWN."  
  
CHRIS: Hey...some people...talk like this due to a disease...I mean look at William Shatner, or...Captain Kirk, or....  
  
SIMON: You do know that Capt. Kirk and William Shatner are the same people and William doesn't have a disease, he's just playing a character who talks slower than he thinks. You just got both side-effects.  
  
(Christopher suddenly begins breaking down crying and runs off stage in disgrace getting on his cell-phone paging and calling a few number of his friends such as: Gary Oldman, Tim Roth, Robert Deniro, Al Pacino , Willem Dafoe, and a bunch of other noticeable and recognizable actors who usually play villains in films.)  
  
RYAN: Our last guest you've seen in such movies as "LEATHAL WEAPON", "GOODFELLAS", "CASINO", and "MY COUSIN VINNY." Give it up for Joe Pesci!  
  
(Joe comes out with a shoe-shining box and begins breaking into song singing classics from "GUYS & DOLLS.")  
  
RANDY: Hey, Joey that was the best performance of the night, but I just got one question can you shine my shoes? I mean you're short enough I think you could give them an easy spit-shine.  
  
JOE: Hey, Randy I don't do shoe-shining anymore. I'm out of the business.  
  
RANDY: Oh, yeah sure...(Winks at him) Come on just one quick polish and I'll let you have a recording contract.  
  
JOE: Hey, what the flying (bleep) is your (bleeping) problem? Can't you understand I don't shine no (bleeping) shoes? You know you got a lot of (bleeping) balls to start busting mine. I oughta ice-pick your face to death. Yeah, turn that sorry-ass smirk of yours into Swiss Cheese, or cut your big fat lips off and wear them on my mouth like if I am Angelina Jolie, or something.  
  
SIMON: Hey, I got to admit though your performance was pretty amusing.  
  
JOE: What do you mean by amusing? You're saying I'm funny? You're saying I am a clown? You're saying I am here to juggle, do tricks, ride a unicycle, and look like a frigging moron to you?  
  
SIMON: Well, yes it would be an improvement for your horrible singing, but no all I am saying is you're amusing, you make me laugh.  
  
JOE: Amusing huh? Amusing? (Joe pulls out a bat and starts beating the living shit out of him and Randy, and then lets Bobby, Al, Chris, Tim, Gary, Willem, Paul Sorvino, Jack Nicholson, Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, Sly Stallone, Arnold, and others do the rest.)  
  
JOE: HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT FOR AMUSING? YOU'RE DEAD! D-E-D! DEAD!  
  
ROBERT: Uh...Joey dead is spelled D-E-A-D! Not D-E-D.  
  
JOE: Whoa...are you getting smart with me? Are you here to teach me a grammar lesson? Am I here to get kicked out of "Bobby Deniro's Spelling Bee" just for misspelling a stupid word known as dead?  
  
BOBBY: Hey, all I was saying was you misspelled a word. Chill, cool it!  
  
MEL & SLY:  
Yeah, cool it man. Cool it.  
  
JOE: Cool it! Cool it! What am I some damn freezer here to put your little Popsicles and ice cream bars in? What am I some kind of cooler here to put your damn beer in? How can I cool it? That dumb pompous British fuck made a (bleeping bleep) out of me and you guys are telling me to cool it! Even though I haven't done a movie with you two for years and what's up with you Sly and Harvey Keitel saying on "INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUIDO" that you'd rather see me get mine in a woodchipper like that guy off "FARGO" than act with me ever again? What am I stuck to repeatedly be hit in the head by a paint bucket in "HOME ALONE" sequels? What am I stuck to do "GONE FISHING 2?" I MEAN (BLEEPING) GIVE ME A BREAK!  
  
RYAN: Hey, you forgot "LEATHAL WEAPON 4" did suck too...  
  
(Suddenly...Joe, Mel, Danny, Rene Rousso, and Chris Rock go chasing after Ryan, while Sly, Bruce Willis, Gary Oldman, Tim Roth, Christopher Walken, Willem Dafoe, Ray Liotta, Paul Sorvino, Bobby, Al, Arnold, and Antonio Banderas all stay behind wooing and serenading Paula with songs, hugs, and kisses.)  
  
JACK: Now, that the Boy Scouts are out on their camping trip. How about me and you chicky-poo have ourselves a little ring-ding? I'll show you my "Here's Johnny!"  
  
GARY: Screw him! Choose me! I promise I won't bite...hard! And I don't suck...in bed.  
  
AL: JUST WHEN I CAN'T GET ENOUGH POOTY-TANG! YOU PULL ME BACK IN!  
  
ANTONIO:  
Let me carve my mark into you.  
  
ARNOLD: I maybe the governor of Caligfornia, but I sure know how to "terminate" the pussy.  
  
SLY: Sometimes while I'm "duking it out" I sometimes shout out Adrian!  
  
BRUCE: Hey, I need something restart my career. Want to be it? I mean that "PUNK'D" kid Ashton Kutcher stole my Demi, my last few movies have been the lousy pieces of shit in box-office history, and now I made a sequel to my dud "THE WHOLE NINE YARDS!" WHY ISN'T I HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG LIKE HARRISON FORD TO DO A 4TH MOVIE TO MY SUCCESSFUL FRANCHISE!?! 


End file.
